Goodbye Nanay

It was the 5^th of September 2010. My eighty-one years old mother was exceptionally happy when she woke up in the morning. Never did we know she was about to go. She was living with my older brother and his family. My sister in law heard a loud sound from the bathroom where our mother was having her bath. They immediately rushed to the bathroom and found out my mother had a fall. Mother was already standing when they came to the bathroom but leaning on her left side. My mother argued she did not want to be brought to the hospital. She said she wanted to rest and sleep. When she wakes up she will be fine. While mother was sleeping my sister in law noticed saliva coming out from her mouth, wiped it off and there it was. A droplet of blood was coming out from the mouth of our mother.

My brother immediately brought mother to the nearest private hospital. Her CT Scan revealed one half of her brain had blood clot it was a bad stroke. She had stroke, caused the imbalance it was why she fell. Accordingly damage that big is inoperable, her chance of recovery is zero. I notified my youngest brother who works and lives in Singapore with his family and my sister who lives in the province of Bicol with her family. Mother hang on to her life with tubes attached to the ventilator to enable her to breathe. Her two doctors advised us to decide on her, she will never recover. Which means it is up to us, her family to turn off the ventilating machine and wait for her heart to stop the natural way. My youngest brother and my sister arrived at around six in the evening of Tuesday, 7^th of Sept. We decided to shut off the ventilating machine. I was assigned to do it being the oldest in the family.

How brave are you to do it to your own mother? I was not that brave. I cried and prayed right after I learned about the result of CT Scan. I already knew I will be assigned to shut of the ventilating machine. My siblings and I decided to shut off the machine the following day, Wednesday 8^th of Sept. Let the heart of our mother stopped naturally and allow her to go. All of us have to be present. My sister and I decided to stay at the hospital inside the private room where we transferred our mother from ICU. I knew my sister was tired from eight hours travel by car. The couch at the private room of mother to where we were to sleep to gain strength for the next day was too small for the two of us. After the visit of the neurologist of mother, in the morning of Wednesday, the 8^th of Sept. Mother showed signs she was awake. My sister took charge. She spoke with mother and prayed with her. Mother in turn communicated by moving her closed eyes to answer to a yes or a no question. She would move her eyelids for a yes answer. There was a point wherein she opened her mouth so wide maybe trying to speak, yet no voice came out.

Her nurses were wondering why the mouth of mother showed a little opening when her two doctors certified she will never move. Mother was quite for few hours after the rest of the family members arrived at the hospital. My sister and I took turns telling them what happened.  Mother requested for a priest to pray for her. She was quiet but feverish with 40 degrees body temperature and blood pressure slowly ebbing. My youngest brother and sister in law were tasked to look for a priest, then, we will shut off the ventilating machine. At around past one in the afternoon, a nurse came to take blood pressure of mother. I was inside the room with my older brother, sister in law and the daughter of my sister. I saw the facial expression of the nurse when he took off the stethoscope from his ear. He said, “Maam, I can not find a blood pressure anymore." He rushed out and came in with a resident doctor.

Nanay as we fondly called mother passed away on the 8^th of Sept, the date of birth of her favorite Saint, Mary. Mother was a devoted Catholic while I am a Protestant. I knew little of her favorite Saint. Mother was a very courageous and loving mother. She waited to hear the voice of my sister she had not seen for years despite the pain she may be experiencing inside her body. She loved me so much, and let go. She knew it would be very difficult for me to shut off the machine to let her go. It was a relief for all of us. We had accepted the fact she is going anytime. But to let go of her shutting off the ventilating machine was sort of another thing to reckon with. I cried and thank my mother for letting go and leaving me with a clear conscience knowing she left us the natural way. ♥